Madhavi Ammal

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Reminiscences

I still remember that February evening in 1933. My husband had been transferred to Tiruvannamalai General Hospital and I had gone with great anticipation, like the early dawn before a sunrise, for my first darshan of Arunachala kshetra, spreading its sweet fragrance of bhakti over Tiruvannamalai. The lamps were lit in a row in the gopuram, the puja celebrations and chanting of God’s name all together produced an inexplicable bliss in me. It was then that I first heard of a Maharshi who, for a long time, had been doing tapas in the caves of Arunachala. I had been longing to get upadeśam from a satguru. The word ‘Maharshi’ shot through my heart like lightning. And so I went in search of him.

We parked the car outside the ashram and the driver asked someone, ‘We have heard there is a Maharshi here. Where can we find him?’ Someone pointed out the hall where he was sitting. Not knowing that when one sees such a great personality one should prostrate before him, I only stood at the door of the hall. Bhagavan sat in padmasana on the sofa, wearing a loin cloth. The moment he saw me, he smiled. The smile came in a way that made it seem as though he was re-establishing an old connection and it produced a divine joy in me. ‘May I come in?’ I asked politely in Malayalam. ‘Oh, yes, come and sit’ was the reply in Malayalam. Hearing colloquial Malayalam, so beautifully flowing, from interior Tamil Nadu, surprised me.

I started imagining so many things about Bhagavan and his surroundings. However, after smiling and telling me to come inside, he gave no other sign of recognition but only went back to his earlier state as though unaware of my arrival. As he had shown such familiarity, I was expecting he would ask some general questions about my background. But his state of intense silence dumbfounded me. After sitting silent for a few minutes, I moved a little closer to him and said, ‘My husband is working in the hospital here. He wishes to come and meet Bhagavan’. But Bhagavan only nodded.

Afterwards I started visiting the Ashram regularly. When asking for upadeśa, Bhagavan used to reply ‘Who is the guru? Who is the disciple? Everything is within you. Everything is your creation. There is nothing to be obtained from another. Whatever is gotten from others is of no lasting use. If you want information, there are lots of books available. You may read them.’

I understood from my own direct experience and Bhagavan’s past history that except for replies to devotees’ questions, Bhagavan never gave mantra upadeśam or advised anyone to undertake any specific sadhana. Yet the desire to have upadeśam from him did not leave me. Thus one year passed. An unspeakable sorrow entered my heart. As Bhagavan had said ‘camphor catches fire immediately while firewood takes a long time’, the daily upadeśa of Bhagavan’s silence alone did not bring me peace. But early in the second year, on March 12, 1934, a Monday, I went to the Ashram as usual, completely unaware of what Bhagavan had in store for me.

Archival Films, 51m 02s

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Part 2, Sep 2015 issue

On March 12, 1934, a Monday, I went to Bhagavan’s Mother’s Samadhi with flowers and fruit and prayed silently: “O Mother of this great saint, you were also a samsari in your earlier days. By the grace of your jnani son, you also became a jnani. In the end you attained kaivalya-mukti because of your rishi son and hence today all are worshipping you as a goddess. O Mother! Even though I am a samsari, please bless me that I may escape the struggles of the world and be worthy of the grace of Sri Bhagavan. Let me gain contentment being a disciple of Bhagavan”.

As I made this prayer, two ladies at some distance were tying garlands for puja, chit-chatting. I heard the voice of one of them, Annapurnammal, say, “Ask Bhagavan!”. As I had only prayed mentally, when I turned to look, I was surprised to find Annapurnammal sitting as before, absorbed in the work of tying garlands.

But I took this as a sign and went to Bhagavan’s hall. Except Madhavaswami, the Malayali attendant, no one was there with Bhagavan. I felt an extraordinary freshness and courage and spoke freely: “O Bhagavan! I have been coming for the past one year.” Bhagavan asked “What happened, are you being transferred?” “No, not yet but some day we will have to leave. Please give me some upadeśa so that I will not forget Bhagavan.”

Bhagavan was reading a letter. I was afraid he might say what he often said, ‘What is there to advise?’ But instead, he gave no reply to my query but sat in padmasana. After some time, I began singing with full devotion a Telugu translation of Bhagavan’s Aksharamanamalai. When I had sung all the verses, Bhagavan looked at Madhavaswami and said smilingly, “Ammal has finished praising Arunachaleswara”. Realising that Bhagavan had been listening, enthusiastically I started telling him about my life. But he showed no indication that he was listening. Disappointed, I asked again, “O Bhagavan! Am I asking for something for which I have no qualification? If I have no qualification, then please say so. Even then, how can I remove the desire that spontaneously emerged in me to have you as my guru when I heard there was a rishi at the Mountain. Before having seen you, how could that thought come?”

Just then Bhagavan turned to me with a smile and suddenly a brilliant light filled the hall. By its glare and splendour, I could see neither Bhagavan nor my surroundings. This vision lasted only a brief moment but it was a moment that made a world of difference, for the unceasing craving for upadeśa left me.

I stood up, prostrated to Bhagavan and stood with folded hands. Bhagavan slowly turned and looked at me as though asking, ‘Are you done with the craving for upadeśa now?’

Bhagavan then took out a pen and paper from the writing table next to him and wrote a sloka. Handing it to me, he said, “Use this for dhyana”. Receiving the sloka I prostrated in full devotion and departed the hall in astonishment, hardly believing what had just occurred. The sloka read:

I adore Guha, the dweller in the Cave of the Heart, the son of the protector of the universe, the pure light of awareness beyond thought, the wielder of the weapon of jnana sakti and the remover of ignorance of blemishless devotees.^[2]

My life was different from then on. And my relationship with Bhagavan deepened.

Nursing Bhagavan

One week later, I came to know that Bhagavan had swelling in the leg and needed the assistance of a doctor. My husband, Dr.P.C.Nambiar, had gone home to Kerala on leave. So I went home, picked up the stove and medicines and came to the hall. Though at first he refused, yet because of my repeated and sincere requests, Bhagavan allowed the attendants to apply the medicine to his leg. But not knowing the proper method and thus applying too much heat in one place and too little in another, the attendants were inadvertently making things worse. I was pained at the thought of causing Bhagavan greater suffering. “May I do it?” I asked. Bhagavan was reading something and so did not reply.

Without thinking that as a lady I should not touch Bhagavan as per the accepted norms of the world, I applied medicine on Bhagavan’s leg and began giving heat to it. It gave Bhagavan great relief and gave me unspeakable satisfaction. However, being a lady, my action was disliked by many in the hall. But Bhagavan came to my rescue and replied to their complaints, “Whoever is destined to perform whatever actions, they are performing them”.

Naivedyam

Another time I went with my husband to Bhagavan’s sannidhi with a few rose flowers and snacks. Bhagavan was looking up as though to welcome us. When the servers came to serve food, Bhagavan said, “Wait!” And then to others in the dining hall, he said, “Puttu is a special snack of "Malayala rajyam”. He then looked at me, “Sari, sari. Please put only a little for me as there should be enough for everyone.” I then served Bhagavan and placed a rose on his leaf and made a prostration. “Ammalu’s naivedyam,” Bhagavan said lightheartedly.

In those days the Ashram consisted of Bhagavan’s Hall, the Mother’s samadhi, a thatched shed that served as a kitchen and a make-shift shed for a library. Only later, buildings for the Vedapatasala, library, dining hall, office, hospital and guest rooms were built. Finally, a large temple was built for Mother’s samadhi. In March 1949 kumbhabhishekam was performed after the completion of the Mother’s Shrine. Then Bhagavan took on a serious disease as a mode to leave the physical body.

Mahasamadhi

The last time I had Bhagavan’s darshan was in September 1949. All were happy under the impression that Bhagavan had become better following the recent surgery. Devotees even came and went as if the threat to Bhagavan’s life were something of the past. This was just prior to our transfer to Assam. I was sitting outside the hall when I saw Bhagavan looking at me. I went inside and prostrated. Bhagavan looked at me steadily, so I remained still without moving. It was against the rules and the attendant said, “Amma, go amma!” But Bhagavan stopped him, saying, “Ammal is going away to a distant place. How far is Assam from here?” Then he gazed at me for a full ten minutes, transmitting radiance. I felt it was not right to stand there so long breaking the Ashram discipline. But as I did not want to take my eyes off Bhagavan, I walked backwards and came out of the hall. Till I was out of sight, Bhagavan remained looking at me. That scene has been embedded in my mind all these years since for after that day, except in dreams, I never again saw Bhagavan’s physical form.

On 14th April, 1950 at 8.47 pm, Bhagavan attained mahasamadhi. For Bhagavan who has no beginning or end, what kind of an end was this? A divine being in human form giving comfort to me and countless other samsaris has become a great invisible light not only in Bharatam but in the entire world. That purest of bodies was absorbed into the Parasakti which protects the world.

The form of Bhagavan I saw on 12th March 1934, and the upadeśa he gave me, are even now vivid in my memory as if carved in stone. The experience of sixteen years in his presence remains in the fore of my memory. I pray that always and everywhere Bhagavan may be with me, my family and all his devotees.^[1]

Bhagavan seated

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Part 3, Nov 2015 issue

Thoothuvalai Leaves

Sadhus and sannyasis use thoothuvalai (solnum trilobatum) leaves as an aid in dhyanam. One day in a discussion with Rajushastri, he mentioned that Sri Bhagavan liked this leaf. This incident happened just after Bhagavan had given me upadeśa and dhyanasloka. Instead of focusing on Bhagavan’s advice I was more interested in finding ways to please my guru. So when I came to know that he liked thoothuvalai leaves, I asked where they could be found. Rajushastri said they are available in the forests of Arunachala and that if I asked one of the employees from the hospital, he would go and find them for me. I followed Rajushastri’s suggestion and with the help of hospital staff, procured the plant. I roasted the leaves in ghee and offered them to Bhagavan. Bhagavan was surprised, “Where did you get these leaves. They are very difficult to find”. I said that some hospital staff found them for me. With a smile he ate them and told the story of Sundaramurthi Nayanaar who got moksha after offering these leaves. Hearing the story of Sundaramurthi’s liberation from Bhagavan’s lips strengthened my desire to offer more thoothuvalai leaves. So the next day I acquired more by the same means. I fried them and took them to Bhagavan. I was very enthusiastic because the previous day I had heard Bhagavan tell the story of Sundaramurthi. Today I felt sure I would get moksha. When we reached the Ashram Bhagavan had gone out. I kept the dish on the offering stool next to Bhagavan’s sofa and sat down. When Bhagavan returned he saw the leaves and asked, “What’s this”? Madhavaswami said “Ammal got thoothuvalai leaves”. In a loud voice Bhagavan said, “Why all this? In big forests one has to search for ever to find these. Why should people be put to so much trouble just to please me? What a waste of effort”. I was dumbstruck seeing Bhagavan so stern. But that state of being dumbstruck was the beginning of a small moksha for me. For my husband who was sitting next to me told Bhagavan mockingly, “She offered them in order to get moksha easily”. Bhagavan looked at me with a look of deep compassion and said in a tender voice, “Oh, is that so?”

That was the beginning of a new stage in my interactions with Bhagavan. From that day onwards, every time I prostrated before Bhagavan, he used to look at me with the same jnanadrishti. He would gaze at me for about five or ten minutes. From then on I only departed his presence when he had given permission with a nod of his head.

One day my husband had a lot of work in the hospital, hence my standing there like this caused him to be delayed. He got angry and told me, “Everybody just prostrates and leaves. You keep standing there indefinitely as if I have no work to do?” I replied, “I can only leave after getting Bhagavan’s permission”. He said, “What hysteria! Tomorrow I’ll check”.

The next day when I prostrated before Bhagavan, my husband stood firm beside me to verify what I had told him. But on this occasion, Bhagavan did not gaze at me in the usual way. Impatiently my husband went out of the hall. Then with a great deal of compassion Bhagavan gazed at me for about two minutes smilingly and said, “Nambiar is waiting. Go!”

When I came out my husband said, “I did not see Bhagavan gazing at you”. Fortunately my niece Padmavathi was with us and she intervened: “When uncle went out, Bhagavan gazed upon auntie”. He had to accept what she had witnessed.

Gosala Grihapravesham

The next day was the grihapravesham of the gośālā. In those days, the Ashram was not in the habit of purchasing things but whatever devotees brought were utilised. That morning on the way to the Ashram my husband bought a few flowers and fruits, something he had never done before. Getting out of the car he himself carried them to offer to Bhagavan. Just when the housewarming ceremony was about to begin with only a lamp, my husband walked in with the offerings. Bhagavan smiled at the others gathered in the gośālā and said, “You were saying there’s nothing for the house-warming. See, Nambiar has brought all that is needed”.

Wheat Puri

In 1943 or 1944, I stayed in the Ashram for one week. One Monday at lunch time I heard the attendant telling Bhagavan, “Tonight we are all having puri”. Bhagavan said calmly, “Okay, but there should only be rice on my leaf”.

Generally ladies cannot be in the ashram after dark. At 6pm I go to my residence. That day, however, Chinnaswami said “Amma, today we are making puri. Stay for that”.

We all sat for dinner at 7.30pm. I sat next to Bhagavan. There’s a rule in the ashram. Bhagavan should be served only after all are served. That day Bhagavan was uncommonly serious. After serving everyone the server came to Bhagavan. Bhagavan said in a loud voice “put rice”. The server was standing there trembling. Chinnaswamy was standing far away with a pained countenance.

“Doesn’t Bhagavan eat puri?”, I asked. “Um, the doctor said wheat is not good for this body”, he said. “Doctor Nambiar used to say that wheat is good for Bhagavan’s body”, I added. “Which doctor said this??”

Sri Bhagavan said with sorrow, “Hear this, one day last year they made puri. They served lots of puri for everyone. In this person’s leaf alone there was rice. I quietly ate that and went. Then I wondered, so much was given to so many people. Why was it not possible that there was not sufficient to give to one more person? When I enquired, I came to know that one sack of wheat flour had gone bad. That bad flour was given to all the people except this one. Could it not have been given to the cows? From that day I decided not to eat puri again.” Saying this Bhagavan became very sad.

The server was standing like a statue. It seemed to me that the Sarvadhikari was praying deep in his heart for Bhagavan’s forgiveness. I said, “Was that not done because of devotion, love and respect for Bhagavan?”

Bhagavan sat up straight and looked at me. “Yes. Yes. There’s no use of having devotion, love and respect for this person alone without having it for others as well”, Bhagavan said. Bhagavan complimented me for trying to speak nicely. But I did not know what to say next and felt confused. I thought somehow or other there should be a release for the puri and said, “O Bhagavan! You suffered because so many people were given bad food. Today puri is cooked in ghee and if Bhagavan will not eat it, how much we will suffer eating it without Bhagavan?” “Oh, okay, serve then! Ammal is recommending puri for all”, said Bhagavan. With that the server put puri on Bhagavan’s leaf. Thus the puri which had been renounced by Bhagavan for an entire year was released that day and all ate happily. Greatly relieved, Chinnaswami went away smiling.

part 4

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Part 4, Dec 2015 issue

One day a European in the Hall asked, “Bhagavan is beyond the world and yet is just sitting on this sofa. Why not go round the world and awaken the masses with speeches?”

Bhagavan sat quietly for some time. Then he said, “How do you know that I am not doing it?” I thought that was a very interesting reply because from the age of sixteen, Bhagavan has only been living on or at the foot of this mountain and in the ashram, never having gone anywhere nor given any speeches.

After some time Bhagavan looked at him and said, “What happened when you came from England? You wanted to go to Tiruvannamalai and see the Rishi. Did that thought not come out of silence? You told others that you were going to Tiruvannamalai. You boarded a ship and came to Ramanasramam. Isn’t it?

“Like that, all actions have three parts—silence, word and deed. From silence, word and deed arose. The root cause for this is mind. Silence is the grandfather and word and deed are son and grandson, respectively. The greatness of son and grandson will be seen more in the grandfather. A jnani sits in silence and does everything. If a great man comes to give a speech, people rush to see him. The great personality stands on a raised platform and gives a speech. Hearing it, people are inspired and decide to follow what he says. And they may follow it for a few days. But slowly as obstacles arise, they give it up. The one who gave the speech also forgets about it and begins giving different speeches. Now what about the silent person? He stays in the same state and sees everything, does everything. There is nothing he need change or transform. Silence is the grandfather of speech, the real, unchanging speech.” When Bhagavan finished speaking he fell silent and the entire hall was enveloped in a penetrating silence. The Englishman sat still and quiet.

Treating Bhagavan's Legs

Once when Bhagavan was suffering from swelling and pain in the knees, I went to the ashram with my brother K.K.Nambiar from Madras and Yogi Ramaiah. Yogi and Nambiar went to check Bhagavan’s knees but Bhagavan refused any help, saying “No need. Everything is fine.” But Yogi did not give up so easily. When Bhagavan went up the Hill, he took Nambiar and made another attempt to have a look at Bhagavan’s knees. But again Bhagavan desisted.

One morning after breakfast when all had gotten up and gone, I asked in a low voice, “O Bhagavan, why should you not let them inspect your painful knee?”

“What’s wrong with the leg? The pain will go the way it came. No need to worry about it. Yogi is unnecessarily troubling Nambiar. Why all that?” I said quietly, “O Bhagavan! I wish to see Nambiar treat Bhagavan’s legs with massage.”

Bhagavan finally relented. The moment I got the permission, I brought Nambiar. At seeing Nambiar’s approach, Bhagavan stretched out his legs and said, “Ammal is recommending, so please have a look.” Nambiar then did the needful.

Family Crisis

Some years later my life was interrupted by a near-tragedy in the family. It was in October 1945 when my eldest son, who was in the army in Assam, had an accident on his motorbike. Not only had he sustained fractures on the left side of the chest but the grave concern was that he lay in the hospital unconscious. Before having received the news, each night I had a recurring dream. The dream consisted in Bhagavan staying at our house where I was taking care of him and he was continually blessing me. This went on for four days while, unknown to me, my son lay unconscious in a hospital. I thought the repeated dream boded some wonderful event but then I got the letter informing me of the accident. With the news already four days old, I was very apprehensive. Finally, one night at about 1.00 am, worried about his condition and not able to sleep, I lay half-awake thinking of Bhagavan. Suddenly I saw a huge bright sun in the sky and yet another sun in the west. As there cannot be two suns, I thought one must be the full moon. These two were brilliantly shining and filling me and the room with their light. When my breath stopped, I thought it must mean that I was at life’s end but not long after that, I woke up and breathed normally again. The reality of my son’s condition dawned on me and in the same instant I knew that Bhagavan had saved him. Indeed, by Bhagavan’s grace, my son awoke from his coma and made a complete recovery.

Another Dream

It was not infrequent that Bhagavan appeared to me in dreams. Though their meaning was not always apparent, they were nevertheless significant. One dream that stands out began with my going to the Ashram to see Bhagavan. He was lying down in a special room. I tried my best to enter the room but could not. So I requested Chinnaswami to give me permission to enter. “The doctor has instructed not to allow people inside. Why don’t you sit outside and meditate?” So I sat outside but just then saw Bhagavan coming out of the room with an attendant. I waited to greet him upon his return. Bhagavan was walking very slowly. I prostrated on the ground when he was still far away. From there he looked at me and smiled. In the same moment a small golden child appeared and came running to me and climbed up and hung onto my neck.

I picked up the child and sang a lullaby written by Brahmananda Sivayogi. I then did pradakshina of the room where Bhagavan was sitting. Bhagavan’s attendant looked out through the window and told me “Bhagavan is calling you”. Quickly, I went inside where Bhagavan was reclined. He turned towards me and said something to the attendant. The attendant took a flower from the top of the shelf and Bhagavan gave it to me. I took that flower with full devotion and started massaging the arm which was afflicted with cancer.

Once entering the hall, I completely forgot about the child and worriedly asked Bhagavan, “Where is the child which was in my hand? Is this Bhagavan’s maya?” Bhagavan smiled and said “It is not maya. I came as a child as I wanted to hear that song.”

Madhavi Ammal, part 5

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Part 5, Jan 2016 issue

In his childhood, my second son, now Dr. K.R.Nambiar, was lazy in his studies. One day in early 1935, I took him to Bhagavan’s sannidhi and complained to Bhagavan about him. Bhagavan smiled, “Is that so, Ramachandra? Yes. He has understood the truth, ‘I am all, and everything, including studies, is in Me.’ What else is needed, Ramachandra?” Saying this Bhagavan looked at the boy with compassion.

From that time on my son was never again slack in his studies. Eventually he joined a college of pharmacology and passed with first class. His academic performance was so stunning that he was offered a job in the very same college. After getting married and having three children, he joined Assam Medical College and studied for five years to become the first class doctor he is today. The words and blessings of great saints always bear fruit. Did not Bhagavan say ‘Study, and everything else is in Me’? As time went by, what is within became visible for all to see.

Worrying about the Future

During this same period in my life, worldly thoughts increased in me and I was in agony about the future. I went to Bhagavan and reported my state. Sri Bhagavan sat silently for some time and then said slowly, “Today there is no difficulty, is there?” “No, there’s not”, I replied. “Then”, he continued, “why are you thinking about tomorrow? Whatever has to happen tomorrow, will happen. It is not because of thoughts today that things happen tomorrow. When I was staying in the caves on this Mountain, I never thought I wanted something to cover myself with, even in winter. I never had any thought of wanting anything. How did all these things come? It is not because we think of things today that they happen tomorrow. Whatever has to come, let it come. And leave off with worrying.”

Saying this he looked at me with tenderness and my worries about the future diminished. Before that, I used to worry so much that some nights I could not sleep the whole 12 hours. Even though we did not save anything for a rainy day, everything is well in my life by Bhagavan’s grace.

Personal Tragedy

Many years later on 25th September, 1960 my son Narendran died in Bangalore. I was in Cherukunnam at the time and very much pained by this. As the days passed, instead of reducing, the pain increased. On the sixteenth day, deep in my sorrow, I called out to Bhagavan and then cried and cried till I fell asleep. In my dream, Bhagavan appeared in the inner quadrangle of my house. On one side of this quadrangle was a raised platform with a mattress on it, covered by a white cloth. Bhagavan sat there with out-stretched legs, wearing as always his white loin cloth. While Bhagavan spoke with wonder and enthusiasm, I was in such a state that nothing could enter my ears. I went and sat near Bhagavan. “O Bhagavan! My Narendran...” The moment I said this, Bhagavan said, “What? Isn’t he with me? That is why I brought him”. Saying this, Bhagavan looked behind me. As I turned to look back, there was my son Narendran, standing as usual in a dhoti. The moment Bhagavan’s words entered my ears — like the sound of a conch — the burning pain in my heart reduced considerably and I woke from the dream.

Maha Darshan

The 3rd of February, 1933 was an auspicious day for me as I had the vision of the great sage. When I recollect that exceptional meeting, that wonderful brilliance of Brahman, the sight is bright in my memory. Anyone who enters the gate of that Rishi, who has kept alive the mudra of the glorious past of Arshasamskaram will get a new effulgence of life. In Ramanasramam, filled with the knowledge of sruti, I first got the vision of that great sage, the greatest of sages, he who gives guidance to all renunciants, yes, the divine Sri Bhagavan Ramana Maharshi, known to spiritual seekers around the world. I had that connection for nineteen years. The moment I saw him, I merged into that uncommon effulgence, that Divine Jnani, the Lord of Sages, who clearly saw the agitations of my immature mind. The changes in me that ensued only came about by virtue of that vision. And so now, by the grace-filled look of the Satguru, the journey of this body reaches its completion.

Archival Films, 51m 02s

click to see a large image

Those blessed ones who meditate on the Eye of the eye (paramatman) become fulfilled in their life seeing It in the inner Eye. In the moonlight of the affectionate smile of Sri Bhagavan, the ocean of compassion, drinking that nectar, forgetting everything, they experience inexplicable supreme contentment. In the nectarine love transmitted by his grace-filled gaze, the knots of the heart — the ‘me’ and the ‘mine’ — break open. Intoxicated by bhakti, drinking that blissful nectar, we sing, ‘Hare Ramana, Hare Ramana’, and dance. Waves of bliss rising in the ocean of love roar forth with the peace-giving, ‘Om, Om’ and destroy the six enemies. The feeling of the divine name pervades the entire atmosphere, fills the ears and breaks into the heart, stilling one’s thoughts. The vehicle-body yearning to complete the life journey and find rest, is bound by that loving devotion, which is the most charming thing in the world. Yes, that unseen power runs and travels fast through stones and thorns towards Ramanarajyam, where there is no day or night. The dam of bondages built in the lake of thoughts breaks open and the boat of life which was being tossed about to and fro by the force of union with the Self reaches the still ocean of divine love and remains anchored there forever.